He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
