Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
