she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
