So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
