I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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