Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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