Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
