I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
