I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
