Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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