I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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