so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
