then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
