He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
