they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You had me at "let me see your balls"
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
