i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
