I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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