I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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