I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
