the condom got lost in my hair
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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