pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
