If that was your dad, he is hot
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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