I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
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