My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
