why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
