can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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