someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
