The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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