please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
