i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
