Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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