you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
