arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
40s are totally the cure
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
