1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
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