2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
