omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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