The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
