I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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