So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
