While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
