FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
