Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
