I never want to see another naked old woman again.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize