Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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