Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
