Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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