Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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