i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
