What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
