i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize