the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
