remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
it hurts more in the daytime
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I made him laugh his dick is mine
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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