If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
