He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
