did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
