she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
