I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
